it was ventures' new recruits' day today! in pasir ris, blardy far but i guess the venue's quite scenic and it wasn't raining today! alhamdullulillah. also, super duper happy that serene and lynne gonna join ventures. and st. marg's girls are naturally violent. that includes yours truly.

-sorry, but next few paragraphs are basically random rattling sessions for me. ignore if u will.

dunno how i manage to find time to be involved in their activities. really don't. despite quitting soccer (saddening. but had no choice. parents nagging and i hardly had the energy to study on training days. my wonderful end-of-year results reflected this), i'm still busy with council. right now, i don't mind being busy anymore cos i know that it's only 3 more months til i step down. i've got to make my council term worthwhile and in a way, endure everything- all the late nights, all the tiredness- until then. after that, it's chong-ing for the a's all the way. not something i'm exactly looking forward to but it's just what i've been longing to do for a long time. and that is, to simply sit down and not think about anything else but study. sometimes i'm sorta envious of people with a slack cca or just having no cca at all. but i'm just not that kinda person i guess. always forever finding a way to make myself busy. my trait and downfall.

visited sajc yesterday and started kicking myself for quite a bit. somehow regretting my decision after seeing their really nice campus. wished st margs' had a college just like SA. and with pri, sec and college all within the same compound. u can't help but have this one big family feeling which i haven't felt in a long time. sigh. haven't been visiting st marg's in a long while.

maybe all i needed was to get involved in a project and then, i'll have a growing attachment to them. or perhaps it's just my fault that i was just afraid to show that side of me so they all think that way. man. digging my own hole.

and she's right. in any case, i hate going anywhere and find that i'm not being needed there and that i'm just there to make up the numbers. or that i'm merely a convenient substitute. happening all the blardy time. should stop being so blardy reliable. but. must think positively. it's not my fault and if i stop doing what i do, i'll just be as bad and as unthoughtful and as mean.

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