you know, sometimes i have this intense desire to watch what i have to say or do around certain people because i have absolutely NO idea whether whatever they say to me are really what they are REALLY thinking. it's even worse when it's someone i know for a really long time and then all of a sudden, i get this suspicion that not everything is as good as it looks on the surface. and then i have to be so friendly and nice just because i have to stick to the status quo, and that everything's just fine fine.

i hate all the pretending and the fact that i have to tiptoe around that person just because i don't want that person to think badly of me when i already think so badly of him/her. and i wonder: why do i have to be so nice to that person and be all so tolerant and all that? i mean, i don't really have to.

and then i suddenly remember.



that if i diss that person or have incredibly hateful feelings towards that person, i'll be just as bad.



and i'm just not like that.
sure i'll be open to a lot of abuses and hurt but what the heck. at least i'll have a clearer conscious.

er. kinda.