haiya. and valentine's day is coming soon and i've gone into the habit of drowning myself in really really sappy songs which i do year after year especially so this year since i don't have my friends to convince me that v-day's an obscenely commerciallised non-holiday and give me (and i them) some flowers and chocolate to give some cheer to our otherwise single lives. and then the next day we'll move on and think about how we are not tied down by some guy when secretly yes, we all do want to be cherished at some point of time or another.


hahah. anyway.




i tend to have this problem. when i become really comfortable around someone, i'll just start blurting out whatever stuff that comes first to my mind, not knowing then and there that i've hurt him/her with my unthinking words until moments later when the damage is already done. i've burnt quite a number of bridges in the past because of the fact that my brain couldn't keep up with my mouth. it's a wonder that my friends have stuck by me for years when i could have unknowingly hurt them with my sarcasm many many times over.

which is probably why for the past couple of years, i had rather remain silent than be so opinionated and vocal all the time. perhaps all this long-term control has unknowingly taken it's toll on me which may be why i may be blurting out so many horrid horrid things without meaning to so often now.

and me having trained to have selective hearing (i mean, u start to learn to do it with teachers habitually nagging at u all the time) is making things worse now cos i may be responding to something that the person had said, while to the other person, it would mean something else.

for now, i can easily blame it on my inexperienced brashness that comes with youth but seriously, how long can that excuse last?


i really have got to get my act together and start paying attention to the words coming out of my mouth.







and i'm really tired of acting and showing a brave face all the time. when really, i'm scared. oh so scared speechless. and hoping. just hoping that God will just grant me some comfort or shelter to turn to when i'm just so so unsteady and frightened and so sad.