you just might make me believe


what's your mode of transport?
mine is the sun.
when it rises dripping from
the sea when it falls like honey on
the trees when it swallows up
clouds my soul moves with it.

mine is you.
when you lift your eyes
when you look straight ahead
when you try to speak my
heart moves with you.



rah.
10:56:00 AM
Saturday, October 25, 2008
bop to the top
warning: self-pitying entry

i'm in the library. again. and as usual, i'm distracted by all things trivial on the internet instead of working on my projects. i feel more jaded this semester for some reason. maybe all i bleeding need is a cca and an outgoing personality. people, you don't get it. i'm horribly shy, which is partly the reason why i hide behind a frown on my face all the time (and partly because my face is just stuck like that from 2 years of disciplining naughty juniors in sec sch. someone even said i looked like a discipline mistress which really hurt, like a sickening punch in the gut. Tell me, which girl wants to look like one?). it doesn't help that i have terrible genes in the looks department, which makes me wonder why i even have friends.

i think i grew up too fast as a teenager and as a young adult now (haha) i can't help but get that sinking feeling that i've wasted my youth. there were no dusk-to-dawn crazy partying or sneaking out of the house or body tatooing or piercings in all the wrong places or jumping on people's toes in mosh pits. i've always craved to do something crazy like jumping off a bridge or run barefoot down orchard road but its always my bleeding upright morals that get in the way. my teenage life was boring compared to my sis who, while was a wild child, came out the wiser. all i remember doing was all-nighters- studying for semestrial, continual, final year exams, prelims, the a's and the o's. and then in between there were the sleepovers and the bbqs and the bubbles and the chalets. but yeah. nothing scandalous, other than going to thailand with a large group of (some horny) guys count, but of course it doesn't because they were all very gentlemenly. 

there you go. wasted my youth doing innocent things and soon, it's almost time to grow up.

i'm always the one having to set examples just because i'm older. and i do feel the social pressure to perform because everyone expects me to 'naturally' do well. it's not that simple. if i don't perform, i'm afraid of being relegated as the paris hilton or minah or the-cousin-who-everyone-warns-their-daughters-not-to-be in the family. 
i'm not the pretty one or the funny one or the cool one- i'm just the smart boring checkered wallpaper that everyone sees, say "oh. what a nice girl" and then moves on.

thanks ah. just give me a break once in a while. give me money for a make-over and i'll be nicer to you.

honesty is the best policy