i was blog hopping and i came across a blog of an old friend. and in one of the entries she wrote: "i guess the fundamental problem for me is the fear of being mediocre. i dun wanna be "just average" in anything, it sucks realising that you're just like any other person. for me, it's all or nothing. i guess this fear is motivation but it's also a stumbling block. i've very often come to dislike things i cannot do well in but i know certain things are essential for me to do." i've always assumed that she has been leading a very charmed life- like what is there for a top scholar to worry about?

but the fear of being mediocre- that was a feeling i used to share. and then a few years back, suddenly, i thought being different, being better wasn't worth the sacrifices and the toll it brings on myself and to the people i love. i thought, "what was there for me to prove in trying to achieve all of that anyway?" it's all material anyway. maybe it was because i attempted to juggle too many things at once and that led to average performances. that shouldn't have stopped me. but in the end, i kinda let go. since then i thought ordinary is safer. no responsibilities is safer. to do a bit, the barest minimum to get ahead and then step back. that's it.

i doubt this now. sometimes i wonder why i put so much of the "all or nothing" effort in some of my work & assignments but not when it comes to rallying my own self.


of course these are just words. will i make good of my new year's resolutions of wanting to step out of my little box and be braver of new faces & changes? only time will tell.