you just might make me believe

what's your mode of transport?
mine is the sun.
when it rises dripping from
the sea when it falls like honey on
the trees when it swallows up
clouds my soul moves with it.

mine is you.
when you lift your eyes
when you look straight ahead
when you try to speak my
heart moves with you.

light up. in this pattern of things.
2:11:00 PM
Monday, January 05, 2009
bop to the top
this is a long overdue entry but every single new year i feel like this. like as though if i don't acknowledge that january has begun then maybe my growing older wouldn't come. but the thing is this year, even more so this year, i feel unworthy of the age that i'm going to become in less than 5 days time. i still see myself as a little girl most times, some of my behaviour and looks still considered too raw, too juvenile, too naive to be an adult of 21 years. yet. that's who i have to become, as if the age is something i must live up to. i was looking through old school photographs and my God. how we have changed. every single one of us. and i'm sure i'm not the same person. looking back, i cringe at some of the choices i've made but i also know that without those mistakes, i would not be the person i am now, sitting here, typing this.

i made my own choices even in as early as primary school. it seems trivial now- what's the point of bringing up the past? but let me start with this. i left malay dance in pri sch, partly because i became so withdrawn i concentrated on my studies, and partly because the other girls, as much as they liked me, as much as my so-called potential, insulted and mistreated a friend- an act which i cannot ignore even then. i don't understand these games that some girls play. that friend, i suppose in an act of fear that the jeerings would come back to her, banded with another girl in our new class who, for some tiny error i suspect (i still don't know), seemed hell bent to make my life a misery. those days were the bleakest. i would come home crying- they ridiculed my hair, the way i talked, the way i looked with my glasses, the way i wrote, tripping me as i walk, shoving pushing as they pass. at one point i was pleading with her, "what did i do to deserve this? i did nothing wrong". my dad was angry but told me to ignore that silly girl. how could i? teachers? my form teacher was one who wld listen, pat my head & that was it. in class, she was harsh, too harsh in fact. but i held on somehow. became busier with my prefect duties, the library became a haven- my own little domain. i did well in school. so well in fact that towards the end of pri 6 she tried to apologise, held my hand like the little girls we were. but inside, i was no longer little. i have forgiven but not forgotten. maybe that's why i picked a sec sch so faraway. somewhere i knew none of my school mates would follow. a place where i can make a fresh start. and st margaret's was that. the girls there were more than friends, we were like sisters. the guides, the prefects' exco members, all my classmates. by far, the best years of my life. that girl who ridiculed me? i heard she was unhappy in sec sch- i cannot help but feel smug and satisfied about this. i'm only human. junior college was the same. i could have chosen to go to sajc, but what's the point of going to a place where i already knew most people? my circle of close amazing friends became slightly bigger, more precious. but it came with a price. i had to let go of a friendship in jc but it had to done. some things are just too hard to bear again.

maybe that's why i'm so much my own person, why i seem so grounded. people used to tell me that i'm so mature for my age which was why i was always in charge of things. but the bitter truth was, i was forced to, a long time ago. rather than enjoy it, i was forced to grow up. and now they expect me to be thus, and i cannot. i feel like i'm growing backwards, to make up for the times i've lost.

it's too tiring to be mean, to be jealous, to think selfishly, to be spiteful and angry all the time. it's just easier to just let go. to be kind. to not demand too much of people, believing that they are at their best. sometimes, simply believing that they can do better is enough. i'm easily contented which means achieving something great like some of my high-flying relatives difficult for me. i have potential, yes. but when the drive is not there, when i'm too comfortable in my little safe mind, it gets too hard to open myself thus. so this is my new year's resolution. to have the strength to step out and not to be afraid of change, of hurt, of bitterness or of disappointments. to be not afraid to be a better person, a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend. to take the plunge. to fight and to live.

All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
But the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives, though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn, the more I learn
The more I cry, the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be.
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you,
And this is me,
We are free in our love.

Then I see you standing there,
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try.
I'm all I can ever be.
But all I can do is try.


so i got tagged. danish i hope you're happy.

1: Besides your lips , where is your favourite spot to get kissed?
was reading a book by juliet marillier recently and like her characters Liadan and Bran, that's how i want to be kissed. tenderly. on my eyelids.

2: How do you feel when you woke up this morning ?
contented. i had happy dreams.

3: Who was the last person you took a photo with ?
my friends whom i went cycling at east coast with. i think.

4: Would you consider yourself to be spoiled?
i wish.

5: Would you ever donate blood ?
already did.

6: Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex?
kinda. but he's more of a good friend whom i know i can trust to be myself with. and its not romantic.

7: Do you want someone dead ?

8:What does your last text message say?
for shuwen to take care of herself. and to update me on outing plans.

9:What are you thinking of right now?
that i love the way the cold wind from the rain outside my window feels on my face.

10: Do you wish someone was with you right now ?
not really.

11: What time did you go to sleep last night ?

12: Where did you buy the T-shirt you are wearing now ?
it's an old shirt that i got from guides patrol leaders' training camp in sec 2.

13: Is someone on your mind right now ?

14: Who was the last person to text you ?
shuwen and mello.

honesty is the best policy